Jesus, the Bible, and My Funkdafied Spirituality

Published: September 16th, 2005

Confession: sometimes I go to meet with God and end up more hopeless than when I began – especially when it comes to reading the bible.
 
I've said it. No pretending to be spiritual (I tried that already – ask my wife). It kind of sounds funny...but it's not. It hurts. It presses me in my greatest insecurities. Depressingly, I often spend more time meditating on ‘what is wrong with my spirituality’ than the sermon on the mount. I know the bible can be my daily bread, my truth, my fail-safe word for the day. Sometimes I feel more like it’s old stories, dry genealogies and overwhelming instruction…and there’s no pictures to make it easy for my senses. No free MP3 for trying a chapter.  “Selah, sucker,” mocks a voice in my head.
 
Finding Jesus in scripture has to be one of the greatest challenges we face as a media-savvy generation. Think of it: reading, thinking, engaging your heart to draw life from a black-and-white page. With the way our world looks, feels, communicates…how can the bible really have anything to do with us?
 
Obviously, I don’t have very much to offer here. Sometimes I feel like an orphan when I open the book simply because a book, in itself, is so simple while I am so complex. By the grace of God, though, I have stumbled into something beautiful in a story recorded in Mark chapter eight.
 
So to all who are like me, cursed by short attention spans, carrying in our hearts a list of disappointments specifically related to ‘trying’ to find God in the bible, yet with an obvious (though quiet) need to connect with Jesus in a fresh way…here is all I have. It’s not much, but for me, it’s kind of everything…
 

Jesus feeds the 4,000 in Mark 8:1-10. When I need to connect with Jesus for today, the fact that Jesus once fed a bunch of people isn’t exactly food for my soul. It's a good story - but I don't need a good story. I need to be saved, lifted - I need to touch heaven so that I won't sin against Him today - sin against my wife today - sin against my friends, family, and people I don't even know...so I won't hide today, pretend today, try to prove myself again today. What does a story have to do with my dire condition, my inability? 
 
Then again, the stories aren’t my Lord are they?
 
It is the Lord himself that is our inheritance, our bread.
 
If the cross is all about togetherness…me WITH Jesus, then I must be able to meet with Jesus in this story…not what Jesus did, but who Jesus is for me in my situation today…”the same yesterday, today and forever.”
 
The words of Jesus, beginning in verse two:
“I feel compassion for the people because they have remained with Me now three days and have nothing to eat.”
 
I have to stay here for a while. I have to touch Jesus here. I have to let His feelings towards me unlock my heart again. Jesus shows that He is intimately acquainted with the practical needs of His followers...He knows their journey and their need, and His heart towards me is that He "has compassion."
 
He knows how wierd I feel having to ask people for money in order to do the thing I believe He has asked me to do. Just the same, He knows that Char and I have to eat. He Has provided for us so far, and He knows my needs down to the very meal. Deep breath.
 
Verse three:
“If I send them away hungry to their homes, they will faint on the way; and some of them have come a great distance.”
 
I have to stay here a little longer. According to the words of Jesus, it is His intention that I receive what I need to make me full for my journey. He is gentle, sustaining, practical. I must live in the awareness of the provisioning intentions of the person Jesus. He knows my needs - physical and spiritual, emotional and practical. He knows my journey.
 
My fear is that Jesus' gospel of acceptance is too good to be true. My fear is that I will be a disappointment - that I won't be enough. But if I am with Jesus, alive to His truth that His words here show me, then maybe I can loosen my grip a little. Maybe I can take one more baby step towards letting Him have me as I am.  Maybe I can strive a little less,  try to be impressive a little less today. Yes...
 
My temptation is to give a fake me to Jesus - someone I pretend to be, someone I want to be: someone holy, honest, impressive, strong, gentle. It's far less risky, because if He rejects a persona then I haven't lost anything real. Can I trust Him underneath my defense mechanisms, however twisted they are?
 
I whisper into the silence, "God, you know the real me. You know I am not enough. But You delight in me. You know my journey and my weakness, and You haven't ever left me - You are the same for me forever..."
 
Deep thought: The reason I often fail to connect with the person of Jesus in the bible involves way I ingest the word. Because of my own pace, I often try to ‘down’ scripture like a cold sports drink at half-time rather than savouring it like a good Scotch or fine wine.
 
How do I enjoy the thing I love? Slowly, carefully, and with expectation of continual delight. Like the album I listen to again and again…
Finally, I can’t ignore the fact that Jesus displays an organic inclination towards doing something miraculous in order to meet the needs of people He loved.
 
Verses six through eight:
"And He directed the people to sit down on the ground; and taking the seven loaves, He gave thanks and broke them, and started giving them to His disciples to serve to them, and they served them to the people. They also had a few small fish; and after He had blessed them, He ordered these to be served as well. And they ate and were satisfied; and they picked up seven large baskets full of what was left over of the broken pieces."
 
Whatever my experience may be, the truth of Jesus is that He himself, as a person, is miraculous. The quality of love that He has is so strong, so intense, that He can do anything with it. For me, being in this truth is like standing next to a warm fire. That's the thing about truth -  it's loaded, pregnant, like an orange and purple sunset, like a baby’s smile, or a hot fire - it will change me if I let it.
 
Do I approach the bible with the risky conviction that Jesus can jump off a black-and-white page and forever change my reality right now? Do I give Him that kind of credit?
Do we pray for miracles, for miraculous change in our lives, or do we secretly search for a comfortable rhythm even within our relationship with Jesus?
 
That is my charge - to internalize His feelings for me in such a way that I can live my hour-to-hour days in expectation of His miraculous provision, practical or spiritual. Well, that and to just be myself - not spiritual Barry, not effective Barry - just me. To stop trying and, in doing so, to experience His extravagant acceptance is my greatest aspiration today. He knows my journey, and He likes me anyway.
 
Someone told me that sharing the gospel is like one beggar showing another beggar where the bread is. Let’s get fed by Jesus. Nothing flashy – just an honest, hungry person with a gentle, involved King. Cheers.
 

Barry Hall and his wife Charlotte recently moved to Chichester, England  to be a part of 24-7 Prayer. They both graduated from Baylor University in Texas, USA. Between the both of them, they love labrador retrievers, writing stationery, jam bands, and Cafe Rouge - the best cup of tea on South Street.
 

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